Harry Goes To IKEA
by HarryPot
Summary: Harry vists everyone's favorite Swedish Furniture store, with funny consequences...


I wrote this for no apparent reason. I guess I did it just to kill time during Thanksgiving Break and/or to tick off the Swedes. Oh well. If you ever shopped at IKEA, you will see some simularities between your experience and Harry's. Also, Excuse my spelling of the names, my friend browed all my books, and went to south for the weekend (Typical Polish Behavior!!!).  
  
Remember that all characters are property of J.K. Rowling. IKEA is owned by IKEA Systems International (I think). The Product Names for some of the furniture has been made up due to the loss of my parent's catalogue. (That sucks, I saw a phat desk for my room...)  
  
Now, for our feature Fan Fiction...  
  
Harry Goes to IKEA   
  
Harry just came back from Quiditch practice. He set his broomstick down, and tossed him self on his bed. Ron then walked in, and threw his books on his nightstand.  
  
"Hey Harry!" Hollered out Ron. "What's up?"  
  
Harry, staring up into the ceiling, got up and looked around. He gave a slight look of disgust, and replied "This Room Sucks! We have to buy new furniture."  
  
Ron then said "Well, you are right, look at all this trash in the room"   
  
Several homemade sweaters from Mrs. Weasley were lying around, still fresh from Christmas. Lava lamps were tipped over on all the night stands. All the beds were dirty. Harry went to take a seat. The small, wicker chair collapsed, and Harry went with it.  
  
"Ouch!" screamed out Harry.  
  
"You Okay?" immediately asked Ron.  
  
"Um, yeah"  
  
The door opened again, and Dean, Seamus, and Neville walked in.  
  
"Your bum, is it all right?"  
  
"I'm okay"   
  
"Hey, guys, do you think this place is falling apart, and out of style?" asked Ron.  
  
"Nope, this place is cozy, besides that foul odor originating from Ron's bed" said Neville.  
  
"Wait" said Dean, this place is a dump! "But I have an idea, back in the muggle world, there is a furniture shop called IKEA, I think this weekend we could take a visit!"  
  
"Hmm, IKEA, oh yeah, that was the place where Dudley choked on a Swedish Meatball!"  
  
"IKEA would be a muggle store, right?" asked Ron.  
  
"Yeah" said Dean.  
  
"Then maybe we should ask Hermione about it" said Harry.  
  
The five then went to the common room, where they found Hermione and Ginny lounging around, reading Teen People.  
  
"Ohhh, that Justin Timberlake guy is so dreamy!" said Ginny.  
  
"Hey, Hermione, you grew up in the muggle world, ever heard of IKEA?" asked Ron.  
  
"IKEA?" My parents always went there when I was a little tot." answered Hermione. "They left me at the ballroom though, I never seen allot of the store. When I was too tall to go to the ballroom, we moved to an area where there wasn't an IKEA"   
  
"So is that a yes or a no" said Ron jokingly.  
  
Hermione then rolled up her magazine, and bopped Ron over the head with it.  
  
"Hermione, does your dorm look awful?" asked Harry.  
  
"Yeah, even if we clean it up, it still looks like an Iraqi bazaar."  
  
"Then do you want to go to IKEA, and buy new furniture and stuff?"  
  
"Yeah, sure!"  
  
"Can I come too?" asked Ginny.  
  
"Okay!" answered Harry.  
  
"Now how are we going to get there?" piped Ron.  
  
"Um... Easy! My parents are attending a dental convention at London. I'll call my mum and dad to pick us up at King's Cross. We can go to the IKEA at Brent Park!" said Hermione, with pride in the ability in solving the dilemma in seconds.  
  
"Wait, the Hogwarts Express runs only during Christmas, and the beginning and end of the semester!" stated Ron.  
  
"No, it runs year round. How are the wizards in London going to get to Hogsmeade?"  
  
"Fly on a broomstick?" answered Ron.  
  
"And get sucked up by an Airbus taking off from Heathrow International?" said Dean sharply.  
  
"Your right" said Ron, defeated.  
  
"OK, this Friday afternoon, we will take the Night Express to London, arrive at about 12 midnight, and check into a hotel. Then mum and dad will pick us up Saturday morning at 7:00, and we will be able to get to Brent Park in an hour, including normal traffic. At about 7:00 in the evening, we will get another train, and arrive at Hogsmeade 1 or 2 in the morning. Now all we need is permission to leave for Saturday." said Hermione, catching her breath. "Huh, Uh, Huh, Uh...."  
  
"Let's go ask McGonnall." said Seamus.  
  
The Group got all the fourth year Gryfendors to go to Brent Park. Everyone then went to McGonnall's Office.  
  
"So let me get this straight, I'm going to let all my fourth years to go to a muggle store for half the weekend. Let me think about it.............................. there is no chance that I'm going to let you all stay here while your dorm rooms are still in the 1700's! Good for you all, going to buy modern furnishings for your rooms, and going to see how muggle economics work!"  
  
"That was easy" said Ron as they walked out of the office. "Now the only problem is to get there."  
  
That Friday afternoon, the group embarked to Hogsmeade. Taking a small bus to Hogsmeade, they went and bought tickets, and went to exchange their money to pounds (£1200 each. Roughly $800-900). Six o-clock rolled around, and they boarded the train. Harry, Ron, and Hermione got a compartment to themselves.   
  
"Well, here we go" said Ron, slouching down in a seat, and picking up a copy of Electronic Gaming Monthly. "Hmm, PlayStation2, what is that?"  
  
Six hours later, the train stopped at Kings Cross. It was dark, and the whole platform was abandoned. Everyone stepped off.  
  
"Where is everybody?" Yelled Ron.  
  
"It's 12 midnight, there is nobody here" said Hermione.  
  
"Well, we better check into a hotel before we get caught by a cop" said Harry.  
  
"You have just have" said a bobby, extremely tall, and packing a pistol that looked more like artillery.  
  
"Um, but, um..." started mumbling Ron, scared.  
  
"Um, Officer..." said Hermione, in a cute angel voice.  
  
"Let me handle this..." Said Dean, pushing past the group. "You don't want anything from us." Dean said, waving his hand.  
  
"I don't want anything from you" said the bobby.  
  
"We can go on our merry way"  
  
"You can go on your merry way"  
  
"Have a good evening"  
  
"Have a good evening"  
  
The bobby then walked away, into a washroom.  
  
"I did not know wizards could do that" said Ron, dumbstruck.  
  
"They can't" said Dean. "It more beyond magic..."  
  
"OK, this is freaking me out, said Lavender. "Let's go..."  
  
"Yeah, sure"  
  
An hour later, Harry finds himself sharing a bed with Ron.  
  
"That was the best sex I have ever had..." said Ron.  
  
"Ron, you weren't in the movie!" said Harry, hitting Ron with a pillow.   
  
"Yeah, that porn movie was cool, wasn't it?" said Seamus, in another bed.  
  
"Turn that filth off!" laughed Harry, turning off the TV.  
  
"Hey, c'mon, they were going to replay it!" giggled Dean, taking the remote from Harry..  
  
"My eyes! They are soiled!" yelled Neville. "Grandma will kill me!"  
  
He then got up and started running around banging into things. He then opened the door separating the boys' room from the girls' room, and ran in.   
  
"AHHHHHHH!" yelled out the girls, "NEVILLE, GET OUT!"  
  
Neville then was tossed back into the boys' room.  
  
"The.. They had green stuff on their faces!" piped out Neville.  
  
The Boys couldn't help but laugh, and went to sleep.  
  
The next morning, everyone woke up, and had a room service breakfast, and went to the front entrance. Hermione's parent's Suburban pulled up.  
  
"Mum, Dad!" yelled Hermione, hugging them both. Everybody pilled into the luxurious SUV that could seat 15, quite unusual for a muggle car.  
  
"Where to, Miss?" Asked Hermione's father in highly exaggerated English accent.  
  
"The Brent Park IKEA, and step on it!" said Hermione in an American Cowgirl Accent.  
  
Fifteen minutes later...  
  
"LEARN HOW TO :bleep:ING DRIVE YOU :bleep:" yelled the driver behind Hermione's car.  
  
"WELL, GO :bleep: YOUR SELF IN THE :bleep:" yelled Hermione's Mother.  
  
"YEAH, SUCK MY :bleep:" yelled Hermione's Father.  
  
Hermione was blushing severely. There was total gridlock in the road leading to IKEA. Thousands of cars, and thousands more in the parking lot were seen. Fifteen minutes later, they finally got to the parking lot.   
  
"My God, are you muggles rude!" said Ron.  
  
"No dear, this only happens during at IKEA during weekends. HEY YOU! GET YOUR GEO OUT OF THAT PARKING SPOT! SAVE IT FOR THE RICH, YOU WELFARE HOBO!"  
  
"That's IKEA?" said Ginny "That.. That's a giant blue cube with millions of windows!"  
  
They finally parked, nearly half a kilometer from the entrance. I could have been worse, the parking lot stretched two kilometers out. They spent almost half an hour getting to the entrance. The building was surrounded with police officers in riot gear. People were jamming into the entrance.  
  
"You know this can't be good if they are wearing riot gear" said Ron.  
  
"Okay kids, meet back here at 6, okay?" said Mrs. Granger.  
  
"Okay" said everyone.  
  
"See ya latter, Harry" said Seamus, walking to the lighting section.  
  
"Ok, let's start!" said Harry, taking a yellow bag, a pencil, and a sheet of paper.  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione went to the Seating section.  
  
"Oh, look!" said Hermione, "A cute little yellow foldable chair! It's only £12 each!"  
  
"And look, it also comes in blue too!" sarcastically said Ron.  
  
"Well the blue one looks nice. I guess we could get two. Let's get it Ron!" said Harry.  
  
"Yeah, sure." said Ron in a melancholy tone. "Its in aisle 35432, bin 23423. Sittrö? Who comes up with these names?"  
  
They then ventured to the clock and light section.  
  
"Why are all these clocks in metric time?" asked Harry to a IKEA co-worker. "Excuse me?"  
  
The guy did not budge, he was talking to another guy on how he "scored big" last night.  
  
"CAN ANYONE HELP ME?" yelled Harry at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Shut up kid" the worker finally said. "I'm trying to work! Anyway, she was hot..."  
  
The worker kept blabbing about his sex life, so Harry joined up with the Ron and Hermione, who were trying to wrestle a dark blue comforter from a big, muscular guy in spandex.  
  
"She had it first, let go!" yelled Ron to the hunky man.  
  
"Zoo donts understands, I have to have sis!"  
  
Finally the man won, and spat on them. "I am zee man!"  
  
"Come on Hermione, let's get an inflatable sofa." said Ron, as he comforted her.  
  
They then went to go see a sofa. Once again, the area was jam packed.  
  
"Wow, look at this!" said Harry. "A light green futon!"   
  
Just then, a tot jumped on the futon and screamed "MINE!"  
"It's Okay Kid, they have more downstairs (gulp) I hope." said Ron, very friendly.  
  
"NO :bleep:HOLE, MINE!" said the tot.  
  
"You are using harsh language for someone your age!" said Hermione.  
  
Just then the child gave Hermione the one finger salute.  
  
"Ok, Timmy, you don't want to do what mommy says and does to daddy, oops, lets go!" said a young women in her 20's.  
  
"He is going to grow up to work here" said Ron. "Is anyone hungry?"  
  
Harry and friends then go to the restaurant.  
  
"Looks delicious" said Harry as they walked in and picked up trays.  
  
Harry looks at the picture menus in the wall, and goes around getting his lunch. He walks up to the "chef" serving the sandwich.  
  
"Um, I'll have the turkey"  
  
"OK" and the "chef" goes to the freezer and pulls out a frozen tan lump, and nukes it.  
  
"Here you go" said the chef, as he plopped the gooey slop on a plate and served it. "Bon Api... Screw it. Here's your food."  
  
Harry then sat down with Ron and Hermione. Ron was eating a pink blob he claimed to be salmon ("Looks more like salmonella" said Hermione) and Hermione had Swedish Meatballs.  
  
"Well, so far, our experience here at IKEA was been peachy" said Ron, trying to poke his "salmon" into submission. They all then picked up their plates, and placed them into a rack that appeared to have rats in them.  
  
The Group then went around the store, grabbing baskets, corkboards, magnets, chairs, the comforter Hermione wanted, desks, drawers, and wardrobes.  
  
"Well, It looks like we pick up out furnature in self-serve, and check out." said Harry, trying to load the cart in the trolley escalator. "I can't... quite... stuff it in!"   
  
Harry tried for five minutes, banging the cart into the escalator. It then went in with success, until it crashed head-first on the first floor.  
  
"CRUD!!!" yelled out Harry and Ron, while Hermione kept on jumping up and down on the floor.  
  
"HA-HA!!!", yelled out the little child who flicked off Hermione in sofas.  
  
"OK, lets picked this stuff up, and get to self serve." ordered Harry.  
  
The group then picked everything up, and went to the several million self-serve aisles in the store.   
  
"Hmm, aisle 45323. We are at aisle 45322, so it should be... AISLE 23453?! These aisles are not in numerical order!" screamed out Hermione. "DAMN IT!"  
After discovering that the aisles are not in numerical order, the went on the long and tedious task of finding the aisles were their furniture is at. They finally found aisle 45323, and found the blue foldable chairs, 50 shelves up.  
  
"How the heck are we supposed to get to the chairs?" inquired Harry.  
  
"Pull on this rope, dear." said a kindly old woman.  
  
"Oh, thanks" said Harry, as he tugged on the rope. The box of chairs then fell, on the old woman.  
  
"I'm OK..." said a voice under the box. Harry pulled out four chairs.  
  
They then went on an one hour spree, grabbing the furniture.  
  
"Let check out..." said Hermione, in a tired voice.  
  
They went to join the line, which was very long.  
  
"Why do they only have 2 checkouts open?" inquired Ron.  
  
"You know the Swedish, they are all about efficiency." said Hermione, in a very monotone voice.  
  
"NEXT!" screamed out the casher, smoking what looked like a joint.  
  
Harry discovered that he was next. It seemed like only twenty seconds.  
  
"Hello, welcome to IKE... screw it." said the casher. She tried to scan the small lamp Harry bought.  
  
"Damn It, PRICE CHECK ON AN EXPRESSIVO LAMP!"  
  
"9 euros"  
  
"WHAT? YOU ONLY TAKE EUROS?"  
  
"Um, just ten minutes ago. We can exchange your pounds, for a slight fee..."  
  
"Okay, Okay..." replied Harry, taking out this dragon-skin wallet.  
  
Thirty minutes later, everybody was accounted for in the Suburban. All the furiture was in a single box ("Thanks to a compression charm!"). As the Suburban blended into traffic to King's Cross, Harry muttered to Ron "That will be the last time I go to a crap house like that..."  
  
The End...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
